no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
