Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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