Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
