I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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