Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
