shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
