Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I looked at my own cervix.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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