At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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