everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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