Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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