you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
