So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
