If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Watching her eat just hurts me
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
