i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize