i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
