i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
