I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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