I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
