yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
