I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When did angry sex become our thing?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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