i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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