Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
