The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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