go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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