Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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