I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
