Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
