Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
