So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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