Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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