My liver just broke up with me...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
