sarcasm needs its own font
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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