When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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