What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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