i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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