so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
