I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
