I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
