dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
