so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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