A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
