my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
