i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
