I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i will never coherently bang her
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
