Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
