I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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