wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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