drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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