I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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