my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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