Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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