Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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