I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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