I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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