T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
