is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
